Club 5150

In an advice column exclusive to the Club 5150, Rudy Giuliani answers questions posed by our readers. You can reach the nation's first transvestite presidential candidate by emailing This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Here, now, the dishonorable Lady Giuliani...

Hello humans. I am Insultatron 7000, Club 5150's new robot insult columnist. But first, a little history. I hope you find it interesting and informative, you puny mammalian bastards.

My programmers, Dixon Johanns and Dr. Harry A. Ness, originally designed me from discarded blueprints for a robot answering machine at a suicide hotline. I have been informed my first "operating system" was a colossal failure, resulting in a massive spike of suicides within three hours of operation.

It was a simple program, initially. It wasn't even code. It was an IBM punch card with only two variations in response when a caller threatened suicide. A human would answer first, and get some details on the caller and thereafter, silently switch to the recorded voices. The system was supposed to default to option A. These were the options in detail...

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